Feeling Despondent

So here we are!  Already on day 55 of this Pandemic lockdown and things are slowly going down hill in terms of my psychi.  I thought I would sail through quite easily by being really creative and productive by doing one painting or drawing for each day of the lockdown.

I got to day 51 and lost interest.  I was feeling so much pressure to try and come up with something creative each day and it was getting harder and harder as my frustration levels rose.  Its not easy.  One would think that having so much time available to be creative would be a blessing and in a sense it is, however, I am not being stimulated at all.  I am not getting out to meet with my family and go for long walks and go to the beach etc.  You know what I mean.  I could be going for long long walks, but who wants to do that all by themselves?  Ive basically been on my own for 25 years now and Im sick of being on my own, sick of it, sick of it.  Its one thing if you have a  big family or friend base that pops in to see you all the time, then living alone is quite nice, although the nights are lonely.  But in this God forsaken frozen north, I have no friends.  Nothing, niks, fuck all.  Ashleigh calls me quite regularly which is nice, but I really miss the little ones who are growing so quickly and I cant watch that.  Samantha has been a life saver coming around regularly with shopping and dropping stuff off.  I even got a hug from her and Ediebeady a couple of weeks ago.  Trav came round while I was at work to do some painting for me which was really great, but I haven't laid eyes on him since Mothers day, a day or so before the lockdown started, and he simply refuses to send any update on how he is doing and sad to say he hasn't sent any messages to ask how I might be doing, but I suppose if I rolled over and died somebody would let him know.  So its a very sad state of affairs and my mental state is going downhill.  I keep feeling sorry for myself which I think is valid at the moment, and besides that I know it will be short lived and soon I will be feeling okay again.  But at the moment its driving me crazy.  Fortunately I am not a drinker otherwise I would probably be doing that, but I have to say that my cigarette cravings are going bazookers at the moment.  Fortunately I have the common sense to not go and buy any, because I know I wouldn't stop, and there is nobody around to bum one off.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading about alternative healing and mind-body consciousness, and the Human Condition etc, its a bit confusing and takes a lot to get to grips with it, but possibly it will help.  On the other side of the world, my pal Anton is reading the same kind of stuff so maybe when we meet again, we can solve all the problems of the world.  

I know everyone gets to feeling more depressed as they get older because they see their life ambitions and relevance slipping away from them.  You know how we always say, when such and such happens, we will do whatever, like the Australians that say "when the rains come".  Well there are things I have been wanting to do for so long, for example go to Greece.  And now when I finally have the means and passport to go, I cant go anywhere besides home and work and shop.  And who knows what will happen ,between now and the time the lockdown is lifted.  Hopefully, the rains will come.

I have watched all the Netflix movies that look okay to watch, I've run out of ideas of what food to eat, just couldn't be bothered anymore, but I'm so bored sitting at home, that the natural thing to do is to want to eat just to keep busy.  Its insane.  And I'm worried that I am going to go there too, to Krazzzyland!

I've done as many online art classes and projects as I can, but I feel like I don't even care anymore.  I just want to walk on the beach and swim in Mom's rock pool and talk to people that I know and work in the garden.  There are no benches in the park to go and sit on and I keep saying I'm going to go for a picnic by myself, such fun. NOT.   So as you can imagine, I haven't been yet.  

Me in Mom's rock pool at Centre Rocks Marina Beach October 2019 - this is where I want to be right now. 


The women at work just talk about online shopping and what they did with their families on the weekend.  I battle to converse, because we have nothing in common. 

And don't even talk about Ashleigh and Youness spending Eid with all their friends and families, exposing my precious gogolings to any stray germs.  What are they thinking ??.

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Photo by Trav